Forgive…or Not?

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Psalm 32:1,5     Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. . . . I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.

Psalm 130:4     But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.

Matthew 6:12-15     and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.  For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 18:21-22     Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  As many as seven times?”  Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

Mark 11:25     “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

Luke 6:37     “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

Luke 17:3-4     “Pay attention to yourselves!  If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him”

Acts 2:38     And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive gift of the Holy Spirit.

Acts 10:43     To him all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name,

Ephesians 1:7     In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,

Ephesians 4:32     Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Colossians 3:13     bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.    

 

The Lord commands us to forgive when others have slighted us, or done worse and severely hurt us.  That is not always easy to do.  We want to protect ourselves from hurt, and it is fairly primal to want to hurt, or at least let the other know that they hurt you with whatever was done—or not done.

Once hurt, there is a slight erosion of mistrust.  It is not always glaring, but the one hurt might always know it could happen again.  I have a good friend and we meet once every three months or so have dinner and catch up on each other’s lives.  I have missed two meetings within a three year period—which is unlike me—but the trip is always going to Wilmington when my mind is beginning to shut down.  I am blessed she has forgiven me, but I know she has to mistrust knowing it could happen again.

I hate forgetting an appointment or plan with someone.   If something has to be changed because of illness, emergency or something, I try to give as much notice as possible—but to forget. . . that sends the message they are not important to me.  And I hate that. . .each person in my life is important, but the message to them (actions can speak louder than words—missing appointments, etc) says they are not.

When I was very young, my father was diagnosed with a debilitating illness that required medications that would allow him to live fairly healthy and be able to work, or the other option was to live a bed to chair existence.  He and my mother chose the medications.  They had an infant and a 2 year old, and at 24 years old, he felt it his responsibility to work and take care of his family.  At the time, the doctors had guesstimated he would only live to be about 40 years.

Anyway, we grew up with that knowledge.  He had to work 3p-11p shift because it took a while for him to get over coughing and able to breathe well, get easily moving in his day.  His illness made me very aware of not doing anything that would hurt or cause him or hurt because I knew I did not want to ever endure possibly not being forgiven for something bratty I had done.

I knew very early on that forgiveness was important.  That those held in negative feelings could and would turn into a sore, infected boil that would need to be lanced.  Hard to get those apologies out if the person has passed from this life to eternity—and then you are stuck with the nasty knowledge that you did not forgive—or you don’t know if you were forgiven.

A couple of weeks ago, I had some neighbors over and as we were talking one of the women said she now no longer had any of her sisters in her life.  I was surprised, particularly regarding one of them, as she comes over the holidays, has done Thanksgiving at my home for the past three years and so forth.  The reply was that the sister did not want to do anything social any longer as she now had six less than one year old kittens and she did not want her furniture or belongings destroyed, so she was refusing to go and visit her sister.   And I know this woman got very attached to her kittens—she only had three litter mates the last I knew.  My neighbor’s take was ‘OK, if you want to stop any social life and gathering, you are on your own.  I no longer have you for a sister.’  A few minutes later she said she would not forgive her for choosing kittens over her.

So I asked why her other sisters no longer came to her home.  They would have a huge family gathering every Memorial Day weekend, sprucing up the house for the rental season, but it was nice to see the sisters and spouses working together, and also see the father.  The mother, although alive, was not well, and not part of any of the outside work. 

Several years ago, I heard through the neighborhood chain, that the mother had died, then noticed the father would continue to come and spend time at the house, but the sisters stopped coming.  A few years ago, her spouse died, then about a year after that her father died.  Then it was just the sister who owns these kittens—and now she is not coming either.  But to wipe them off?!  My neighbor is foot loose, owns a couple homes–why does her sister have to come her way?  Go and spend time with the sister with the cats.  She does not always have to be the one to come your way. 

But her response to my question as to why the sisters no longer came was, “After the two of them refused to let me see my father the couple of days before he died, I will NEVER forgive them!” 

We discussed it for a few minutes with me trying to explain that forgiveness was more for her, not for the sisters, and they probably were not at all aware of her anger and unforgiveness, and that holding onto grudges and so forth was a big cause of illness oftentimes, as well as going against God’s will.  She was adamant that she would NEVER forgive, and that she didn’t need them in her life.

Afterwards, when I thought about it, I was not as surprised as initially.  I don’t know her well, but she forgets one neighbor after another—there are only four houses that she pays any attention to, but she is very wrapped up in her, her belongings, her time, and does not mind asking others for favors that have them going out of their way.   Ours is a fairly close neighborhood—not just a bunch of homes where we do not know one another well.  We visit back and forth, help with errands, check in and make sure all doing well—we have relationships among the 16-18 homes. 

For the first several years. She would occasionally wave, but never chatted.  Her father was very friendly, but she was not.  And she made it rather clear this past visit, she really does not want to know any of the others, although she has been to holiday functions with all of us.   She has celebrated with us, but for some reason can not retain their names, which is their house, and it made me realize that she truly cares for herself first and foremost.

But her remark about not EVER forgiving her sisters bothered me.   I pray for her—and hopefully she will understand forgiveness is for her, not for her sisters.

Lord, it was sometime difficult knowing how ill Dad was, but it helped me realize early on that I did not want to hurt anyone or hold a grudge.   Thank You for helping me realize forgiveness is so important for me and ‘mybellaviews.’