Good bye, good riddance terrible year
John 5:2-5 Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, Bethesda, having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed, waiting for the moving of the water. for an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had. Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty eight years. When Jesus saw hi lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?”
The sick man answered, “Sir, I have no man too put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming another steps down before me.”
Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up you bed and walk.” And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed and walked.
December 19, 2016
I have not been very productive in any area of my life for this past year. Part of it was not feeling well with respiratory and severe rash issues, but the rest was a mind whining. I was certainly uncomfortable, but I was fraught with ‘wha-wha-wha.’ I drove myself crazy. And very little was accomplished. I seemed to tie all my energy into whining and very little into reading, studying the Bible, looking for a church, reaching out to friends, or anything positive. And I did NO writing.
Yes, a big part of the reason I didn’t write was having all my confidence flushed down the toilet. I was crushed by the harsh review my “friend” gave to my writing. I was tremendously hurt, and allowed myself to believe everything she marked—although she could not get my characters straight— no one else had that problem—she defeated me.
NO, NO, that is NOT correct. I ALLOWED myself to be defeated. I let myself be beat up emotionally. So why write, why try if I was lousy and my words would never see the light of day? And of course, then it fed into my confidence in all areas of life. So just WHAT are you doing in and with this blessed life you’ve been given? Oh, I gave the beast free reign in my life; I didn’t stop him with the promises in the word, I didn’t strike out with the Sword. How’d I slide so far away from all the nourishment I get from knwing God?
Physically, I was miserable. I was exhausted and unable to read without falling asleep. I slept about 16-18 hours each day, and when awake I was uncomfortable enough that I allowed my thoughts to be tied up with itching, scratching, and trying to relieve the discomfort. I should have read Job REPEATEDLY, turned into times when Paul was imprisoned and encourage other prisoners to sing praise and worship. But instead, I let my thoughts center around me and my discomforts.
And I was miserable. Physically miserable, frustrated with feeling badly, going to doctors and having NOTHING really done. My family and friends grew more and more concerned and worried. I wondered at times if I was going to die with the bouts of shortness of breath, and such weakness I couldn’t make it downstairs to my phone. It was scary. And I became more and more of a recluse at times.
And I hated it. I hated my lack. My lack of anything. Separated distance-wise from friends and family because of a choice made a while ago, now ill and becoming afraid, and frustrated and growing angry with the apparent lack of care and interest my docs were showing. Then, I had a lethargy toward all interests and abilities I’d always enjoyed; dancing, reading, writing. I had a severe and serious case of LACKA—lacka anything positive!
I ate and drank. Occasionally I balanced the checkbook. For shame. The Bible tells the story of a paralyzed man who had lain near the waters that would stir once yearly and the first person in would be healed. He whined “I have no one to help to the water.”
Jesus replied, “Get up!!”
That was me. I would scold GET UP, DO SOMETHING. And I would continue to lie around, feel bad, uncomfortable with the itching, short of breath, wheezy. Ashamed. I should have still gotten up and tried to do something, anything. Shame on me.
Anyway, presently I am a good deal better. Rarely am I having respiratory issues, and I have a couple areas of eczema, but not my full body in itchy blisters. (These blisters were like no eczema I had before, and although never fully diagnosed, the docs don’t feel it was all eczema then, but some auto immune disintegration!)
Most of my symptoms are gone and I feel much better. So I need to GET UP and resume writing. I still feel I have lost skill I thought I had, or I have come to realize I never had any. My mind and brain certainly feel empty of good ideas. It feels scary to write that; always I’ve had ideas for stories. Now nothing.
Writing has ALWAYS been an outlet for me. I have allowed someone to convince me I have no talent. But that’s the KEY—I have ALLOWED the belief. Therefore, in actuality, I have allowed Satan entrance to fill me with doubt, lies, lack of confidence and all sorts of other negative tales. But that is NOT what God created in me. He created a perfect being—perfect in His sight.
It’s time to GET UP. Yes, I need to find things that will help me. I need to get more active in my church, and I need to find places and ways to give of my talents and abilities here—volunteering or whatever, but I need to do something; something besides writing.
I’m glad I have a new year ahead in a few days. This was not a good one for me. But I have a wonderful, glistening future ahead, with many opportunities, and I am not going to spend the majority of my time on the couch dozing, or watching TV I’ve recorded. The first step is this moment.
It feels wonderful to reflect the awful past is behind me while I look ahead to a positive future for ‘mybellaviews.’