Being Fearful

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Deuteronomy 3:22     Don’t be afraid of them, for the LORD, your God, fights for you

Deuteronomy 31:6,8     Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them.  For the LORD your God is the one who will go with you; he will not leave you or abandon you. . . . .The LORD is the one who will go before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or abandon you.  Do not be afraid or discouraged.

Joshua 1:9     Haven’t I commanded you: be strong and courageous?  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.  

Psalm 18:3     I called to the LORD who is worthy of praise, and I was saved from my enemies.

Psalm 46:1-3     God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble.  Therefore we will not be afraid, though the earth trembles and the mountains topple into the depths of the seas, though its water roars and foams and the mountains quake with its turmoil.

Psalm 56:3-4     When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?

Psalm 118:6     I called to the LORD in distress; the LORD answered me and put me in a spacious place.  The LORD is for me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortal do to me?

Isaiah 41:10, 13     Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous right ahnds. . . . .For I am the LORD your God, who holds your right hands, who says to you, “Do not fear, I will help you.”

Jeremiah 29:11     For I know the plans I have for you” — this is the LORD’s declaration — “plans for your well-being, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Lamentations 3:57      You came near whenever I called you; you said, “Do not be afraid.”    

Romans 8:28     We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

2 Timothy 1:7     For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and sound judgement.

 

“Faith and fear both demand you believe in something you cannot see.  You choose; after all He gave you free choice.”   This quote was made in the 1970’s by Bob Proctor, a self help “guru.”   It reminds me of Jeremiah….”Choose you this day who you will serve….”

Before I knew Jesus I fretted and worried about many things.  I turned 21 and had a 6 month old to raise, fled the state I was living in, and moved back to my parents.  My mind was so stressed and fearful–mostly of the man I was fleeing, but I did not want to bring any violence into my parents home.  My father was ill and had had to retire in his 40’s and stress made his breathing issues much worse, and now I was bringing in another two mouths to feed.  Although grateful that they were there and more than welcoming, there were four generations living in that home.   

The one vehicle my husband and I had, I had left behind, even though it was registered and insured to just me since his driving record was so bad.   But how could I go back there?   How could I safely get the vehicle since I would need it getting resettled, setting my son up with medical care and hopefully day care, and would have to get a job.  My ex did not have a stellar working record; he worked less than eight months of the 26 months we were married.   He did not work often, but nor was he around the house, and he drove the car the he was  his days.  I worked about always going somewhere; and I only worked a half mile away, so it was not a problem to walk to and from work.  But now, I was separated from my son’s doctors, my own doctors, and needed to get us set up for a future.  

I was frightened.  It had always been a volatile relationship, I was nothing but fearful and unsure.  What was I going to do?  I was so ashamed I had married this man, and now to be fleeing this marriage.  I had witnessed temper and fists flying, but when my son was stuck at three months of age, I was panicky.  I had to get us out.  How to leave when ex drove the car?  He had threatened and I was anxious enough to believe him when he said he would not let us leave.   After all, I was the only one working.  What could I do about the direction for my son and myself?  Thank God for my parents and family, but none of it allayed the nightmares, the anxiety for how I could support us, how could I return and get the car since we had the greatest need for it.  

At the time, I knew God, but only slightly–I knew He was a Savior–but am sure I felt I had to still earn the right to be saved.  I was raised Catholic–and Confession was done on a regular basis–but between you and another in a dark confessional.   While attending that church, there never felt that God wanted anything personal.  I loved the mural on the ceiling of a sky, with Jesus looking down, even with a kind, smiling expression, but still I felt judgement there.   I knew I was a sinner–yucky, grumpiness, mean to my brother and sister often, selfish, spoiled, arrogant and self righteous.  But I was raised to not talk to God–except in nightly prayers at my brother’s bedside, but that was not heartfelt, it was rote.  And there needed to be a mediator to give us the prayers of forgiveness–a mediator which made us feel further separated from God.  And at this point, I can see how the priests were given the task of listening to confession and doling out “punishment.  It certainly was not the punishment that the Israelites paid while in the wilderness and offering animals and life blood for sinning.   

But because of confession, I never felt that I could be close to God.  One had to go through the priest.   And that always went against my innermost heart–it just never felt right.   Amazingly, it was through my ex’s family and attending their church I learned more and accepted Jesus.   But, then the relationship was not really built on; I had no access to get the 21 miles to attend that church, as the ex had the car from morning to night.  I did have a bible, but it felt like a lot of confusion when I read it.  I did not discern the thread of a Messiah first predicted from Genesis 3 and throughout the OT all the way to the New Testament and finally when the babe was born to two poor people.    But God sent a special star and maybe Aurora Borealis something spectacular to cause shepherds to run seeking the babe.  One, maybe two shepherds left with the rest of the herd, while these shepherds eagerly ran into the Bethlehem  Did they know the Torah, the words of the prophets?  Lowly shepherds were the ones chosen to come and glorify and give thanks for the Babe’s birth.   How awesome that seems to me that these  poor, humble men were the ones chosen to greet the King.

One of the scariest things to me, even with the scariest phone calls, was not him any longer, but was myself.  If I had to return to him and that relationship, my greatest fear was that I would kill him–and I awakened fairly often with a true visual of killing him–anything to keep my son free from harm.   I hated the idea of jail, but it felt totally worth it to save my son.

Thankfully, God opened doors for me, my best friend was further along in her walk with the Lord, and learning how to get closer to Him,  and she urged me to get to know Him –truly know–Him.  She encouraged me to read the bible, to get attached to a bible teaching church.  She also accompanied me to another state, to get back my vehicle.  Her idea was we stop at the town police station, show them the paperwork, and have them escort us to get the car back.  It worked; after quite a bit of hesitation, an officer agreed to meet us at the house.  

Threatening phone calls continued.  And I found out much later that my father and brother took turns staying up all night with a handgun in hand, protecting the household.  Yes, threats had sounded that real, and both felt they needed to be alert each night.

Anyway, I gained some confidence, and started going to a bible teaching church, even though it was only every other week, since most nurses work every other weekend.   But I learned, and grew, and watched some ministers on tv–some I liked, some I did not, but my mind was opening, and my knowledge growing.   I learned that the ‘wilderness’ was NOT just about the desert travels for 40 years — but about my journey; the times I was lost, or confused, or troubled.   Oh!  This is not just a history or storybook– this is a personal journey.  Eye opening!

When our son was two years old, it was determined he had to go spend weekends every other week with his father and grandparents.  It was only the third weekend he went, that when he returned, his back and thighs had 1” welts from a belt.   My lawyer said he had to continue going.  

God stepped in.  My ex did not come each visit scheduled.  Thankfully.  And He had provided me with good friends and my family who would watch him and wait for the ex to show — and when did not, they would care for him during the hours I worked over the weekend. 

And I continued to seek and grow, and gain confidence.  I may have still felt unworthy, but I knew He was helping me, protecting me and my son.  I can’t say I knew He loved me, but I knew He was working for us.   In hind sight, I understand how He protected us, helped me grow and get through that time.  But as His word says, “I will be with you; I will protect you.”

Thank You, God.  You know how mistrustful and frightened I was during those few years.  Your protection was always there for me and ‘mybellaviews.’